“Middle of the night, can’t seem to fall asleep,
don’t know how I managed to fall so deep
for you, yes I have no clue,
yet here I am, with feelings oh so true,
so real, right now I can touch & feel,
physical pain from head to heel.
clinging on to a strand of hope
they say I’m a fool on a slippery slope.
So sweet the taste, yet so deadly
maybe this will really be the death of me.
They say it’s just a game with losers and no winners,
just a group of souls who will then become sinners.
They say there is no right or wrong,
yet it causes pain to me all night long.
I will hold on to what I can’t dictate,
I know very well that I can’t fight fate.
I will stay with you, through all this pain,
so I’ll one day get a chance,
to be able to walk you through the rain,
Baby, Take My Hand For One Last Dance.
”
Stevie The Boy Wonder
Goodbye
can this be true? tell me, can this be real?
why can’t my brain understand what I can feel?
maybe I was naive, to think it can really work,
but steve, you already knew you’re gonna get hurt.
guess that’s the definition of stupidity,
going for it when your mind tells you very differently.
now I know the truth, and I’ll bear this weight
of being wrong, knowing clearly I can’t fight fate.
hopefully I will wake up and realize the truth,
That I’m better at being alone, here’s the proof.
maybe you’ll see this, maybe you won’t
if you do, please don’t worry, I’ll be fine.
this is my fate, written in cold hard stone.
your love was something never meant to be mine.
maybe a decade, maybe two,
we’ll sit down and laugh at ourselves,
how we made us look like fools.
and it will just be memories on a shelf.
takeaway the lessons learned and conquered fears
and start walking the other way,
we’ve been alive a number of years,
but for us both, the opening theme has just started to play……..
Stevie The Boy Wonder
have you ever wondered why we’re here.
my sole reason for existence seems to be to cause pain and suffering to other people. and when i stop doing that, it seems I’ll be the one who’s in pain and suffering. i don’t know if it is what i did in my past life which caused this life to be like this. I don’t know a hell lot of things. I’ve never been the smartest or sharpest of tool in the shed. more often than not i do stupid things. and these things i do causes pain and suffering to people i care about. is this the sole reason for my existence? must i forever live in pain as to prevent people around me being in pain? i do not understand. why do these things matter to me? why can’t i deal with this? why am i feeling so much pain in a country where i know less than 10 people. can i ever be free? i want to be free, death seems like the only way. death seems so peaceful. i cannot shake the feeling that i’m being punished. punished for things i’ve done to others. pain i’ve caused others are now paid back to me in multiplied doses. i do deserve this, that much i know, yet it doesn’t make it easier to accept. what should i do? i am not strong enough to face this. i cannot carry this weight. my soul is in an eternal search for redemption. i just wish my existence has more meaning than causing pain and torment. it seems like whatever i choose, my decisions will always cause pain. i just want to apologize to everyone whom i’ve hurt, or whose lives i’ve affected negatively, i just want to say that i’m sorry. i’m sorry for everything.
may my soul burn the brightest in the depths of hell.
irony
there’s a saying “One Is Lonely Because He Builds Walls Instead Of Bridges.”
i used to counter that with “One Gets Hurt Because He Has No Wall To Protect Himself”
yet….here’s the irony of things, i have realized this the past few days. The wall which you created to protect yourself with, blocks out people who care about you. Yet the ones that can get past your defenses, or people whom you thought are worth the risk of letting in, gets in and kill you from inside. Funny how humans are always so contradicting, it’s as if we WANT to get hurt. we seem to be unable to not make stupid choices sanctioned by our heart instead of the head.
i thought i was intelligent enough to realize this, but seems like i’ve been fooled by the allure of emotions, the “dark side” i call it. much like in the movie star wars.
do you know the feeling..
Do you know the feeling of betrayal?
do you know the feeling when your best friend thinks you’re his enemy?
do you know the feeling when you have no1 to count on?
do you know the feeling when you have no friends to trust?
do you know the feeling when you have no friends?
do you know the feeling when you feel so scared that you lose your sanity?
do you know the feeling when you feel like that but have no1 to turn to?
do you know the feeling when you open the doors to your heart to someone?
do you know the feeling when she enters the door and throws a grenade it?
do you know the feeling when you feel stabbed?
do you know the feeling when you feel stabbed inside out?
do you know the feeling when you can’t feel anymore?
do you know the feeling when the world seemed like it’s a better place without you?
do you know the feeling when you are alone in the dark?
do you know the feeling when you know no1 can hear you scream?
do you know the feeling when you can no longer love her the same?
do you know the feeling when you know you can’t love her at all?
do you know the feeling when you know you’re dead on the inside?
maybe you do. if you do. congratulations. you are messed up. if you don’t. i pray this fat would not befall upon your soul.
friends. what do they really mean?
i thought i had friends. plenty of em. then after secondary school ended. i realized i was nothing but a clown to them. a source of entertainment. i’ve been there when they needed me, as much as i possible can. but in return, in my time of need, none answered the call. most shunned me. i grew up, realizing that one can never have too many friends, there’s no such thing. being popular does not equate to having many friends.
i thought i had a select few whom deserve my title of friends. however recent events have proved that i don’t have any at all. all but one left who was left out of the recent horrors of my life. let me break it down for you.
1) i thought he was my bro, i always had his back, i tried my very best to help me get his targets. brought his confidence back up, if that was ever possible. now i realized i don’t deserve his trust, and i am a THREAT to him. for all i’ve done, that was what his impression of me was. what a revelation.
2) i thought she was my friend. but turns out my status is below cheap alcohol and loud music. that when my time of need came, she chose a club over me. would i ever make the same decision? i doubt it. but once again, another revelation.
3) lastly, my personal favorite. this is THE girl. whom i am willing to give up things for. whom i actually LET INTO my life. but upon entering, i was deemed not good enough, and i had to change for the better. and in comparison, i can’t even compare to her normal friends because they are geographically closer. i opened up, she threw in a grenade. i’m dead now. i can’t feel shit. i guess it ain’t her fault. it’s my fault. for believing the bullshit i fed myself.
is it really their fault? this IS the new millennium, and this is the 21st century. emotions and relations count for nothing, friendship count for nothing. brotherhood counts for nothing. and love counts for even lesser. joke’s on me, the supposedly smarter one, got fooled. ironic isn’t it. how many times must i die to learn my lesson. awhile back i heard that a second mistake is not a mistake, it’s a choice. if that is so i CHOOSE not to make that mistake anymore. i can’t take it anymore. I AM ALONE. i have to accept that fact. NO-ONE will be here for you. NO-ONE hears your screams in the night.
p.s all that is left are my family, i know they are not here, but at least i know that they are here for me. guess blood does make a difference. and mr aqhari, the only one that has not disappointed me is you. let’s hope i won’t have to find out.
“How Time Flies,
the remembrance of the cries.
born out of ash, the phoenix rises
and soars above the skies.
I’m sorry
for the times i made you worry.
i’m inconsolable,
what we want is impossible.
guess this is goodbye
i’ll hold back the tears
and try not to cry.
watching the playback of the years….
”
Stevie The Boy Wonder
“The Trips Down Memory Lane.
Just To Experience The Pain Again.
The Only Thing That Keeps Me Sane.
When Everything Comes To An End,
This Will Be The Only Emotion That Remain.”
Stevie The Boy Wonder
“you won’t like me because I’m a douche
you won’t like me because I’m an ass
you won’t like me because I’m egoistic.
you won’t like me because I’m not really a gentleman
you won’t like me because I care more about myself than others
you won’t like me because I am focused on my own goals more than yours
you won’t like me because I am not accommodating.
you won’t like me because I am VERY independent
you won’t like me because I am damn annoying
you won’t like me because I am unrefined
you won’t like me because I am very critical of others
you won’t like me because I can’t be bothered what you think
you won’t like me because I won’t change for you
you won’t like me because I am not your ideal boyfriend
you won’t like me because We are from different worlds
you won’t like me because I am not a morally good person
you won’t like me because I don’t want to ruin your future.
you won’t like me because I love you…..”
Stevie The Boy Wonder
“I Am The Way I Am. If I Wasn’t, Then Y Would I Say I Am.
I Won’t Change, Coz That Ain’t Gonna Be Who I Am.
I Don’t Care If You Think I Should Change Who I Am.
A Miserable Prick, A Bastard You Can’t Stand, I Am.
I’m Sorry For Troubling You, But That’s Just The Way I Am.”
Stevie The Boy Wonder
